Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
If I die, sorry about rent.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
