I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Also, beer. Big fan.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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