I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You smell like stripper and shame
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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