He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
