i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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