I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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