were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
