Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
