My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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