Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
