my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
