he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
