Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
