If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
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