meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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