In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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