i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
