I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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