Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
