this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize