you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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