Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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