Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
