Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
