it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
