Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Randomize
