Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
