He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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