cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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