So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
