I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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