I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
