i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
