im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
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