I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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