u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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