every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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