That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
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