My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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