I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
