Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
