I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Randomize
