broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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