Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We talked him into tasing himself.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
