Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
