Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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