what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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