Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
