I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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