If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
