Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
