I'm so fucking centered right now
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
