I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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