swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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